Nature, like every worker, gets bored around mid-shift. The coffee wears off, she’s got lunch sitting in her gut like a rock, the fluorescent lights are buzzing — her productivity drops. She knows she’s not going to be terribly effective anyway, so she starts dicking around and comes up with stuff like …
#6. The Lumpsucker, Ugliest Fish In The World
Hey look, it’s Krang from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles!
“Bring me the head of the one they call ‘Michael Bay.'”
That’s a lumpsucker fish, which is incidentally the perfect name for it. This probable henchman of Ursula from The Little Mermaid looks like a brain with a face primarily because it has no scales. It comes in two fabulous colors — brownish gray or muddy gray.
Known for its role, because what part of that doesn’t look appetizing?
They hang out in the Atlantic and Arctic oceans, and by all reports, they’re not very good swimmers, they just kind of float around with their mouths open and swallow whatever is stupid enough to swim inside. And, yep, that’s it: We’ve just found our spirit animal.
#5. The Horsehead Grasshopper
It’s a damn shame that Pixar already made a movie about insects and they didn’t think to include the horsehead grasshopper:
“I fuckin’ … I just love you, man!”
Horsehead grasshoppers are native to the forests of Peru, and their unique look is supposedly jungle camouflage, but we prefer to believe that predators just don’t have the heart to eat them.
Or maybe nature just has rules against eating the lovably incompetent comic-relief character.
#4. The Japanese “Honorable Chicken”
It turns out that chickens have a king, and that king is the onagadori:
Beakness in the front, a party in the back.
Its name translates to “honorable fowl” in Japanese, and no, it didn’t evolve to carry around 12-foot-long Rapunzel tail feathers. That’s the result of selective breeding dating back to the 1600s. The tail feathers don’t molt, so they just keep growing for the rooster’s entire life.
The “honorable” part might be undermined by having its perch right at “shit on heads” level.
According to the oral history of Japan, the style came into fashion when soldiers started putting rooster feathers on their helmets and spears. The longer the better. Farmers who raised animals for this purpose didn’t have to pay taxes, so they went nuts, breeding roosters whose tails just got longer and longer and, well, you know what they say: If something’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing.
#3. The Fish With Human Lips
Check out this sucker and try to imagine a scenario in which she isn’t the sexy new love interest in the next Finding Nemo:
Or not portrayed by Angelina Jolie.
That’s the Malawi blue dolphin. Obviously, it’s not a dolphin at all, but it gets its name from the shape of its face, which can be best described as “luscious.”
A popular aquarium fish, the Malawi blue dolphin can grow up to 10 inches and live for 10 years. And there’s no better pet for when you’re about to go on a date but it’s been a while and you need some kissing practice.
“You have a blatant misunderstanding of the saying ‘there’s plenty of fish in the sea.'”
#2. The Rosy Maple Moth
Quick, what kind of Pokemon is this?
Trick question! That there is a rosy maple moth, native to the forests of North America. It comes in a wide variety of sugary cotton candy colors, commonly yellow, pink, cream, and white, and it lives in maple trees, hence the unimaginative name. And is it weird that we kind of want to lick it? That’s weird, isn’t it?
We’re guessing it tastes like a lost Starburst fished out from couch cushions.
#1. The Firefly Squid
The firefly squid is a species that lives in the waters around Japan, and it’s full of special light-producing organs called photophores that make it look like the ocean is being haunted by an army of squid ghosts that can never know the comfort of the grave. Which is almost certainly already the plot of some anime.
You know which kind …
Occasionally, they get scooped up en masse by Japanese commercial fishing vessels, and when that happens, it turns the whole ship into a spontaneous rave.
And a lot of confusion about which bass to drop.
Interestingly, the firefly squid usually lives too deep under the water to be seen, but they come to the surface to mate. After they’ve done their reproductive duty, they die off. So when the sea lights up neon blue, what you’re actually witnessing is a violent squid fling with millions of sea creatures frantically love-making among the mangled corpses of their deceased brethren. But it’s so pretty.
The aquatic version of when they use the black light in Law & Order: SVU.
Nature, like every worker, gets bored around mid-shift. The coffee wears off, she’s got lunch sitting in her gut like a rock, the fluorescent lights are buzzing — her productivity drops. She knows she’s not going to be terribly effective anyway, so she starts messing around and comes up with stuff like …